i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
