My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
