When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
