i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
