I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
