I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
