My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
