i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
