Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
