sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
