Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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