I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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