I wish I could punch you in the face.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
