I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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