we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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