I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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