what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
