Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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