so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
