Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
