margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
