im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
