my vag is so smooth its legendary
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
