I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
