if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
