I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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