Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
