Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
