Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
