i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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