My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
