i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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