So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
