I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
