Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She made me pour olive oil on her.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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