the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
