Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
