I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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