I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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