I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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