I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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