I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
