i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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