Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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