Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
