dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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