Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
