So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
did you just send me my own nude
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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