So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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