I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
