had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
