Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
