How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
